The Hole in my Heart

There’s a hole in my heart, where you used to be.

Part of me has been ripped away.

I miss you so badly.

It’s as if someone pushed the pause button on my life.

I look at the world around me and wonder how it can go on spinning.

How dare it, without you?

My heart is broken. I can hardly raise my head.

Sometimes it’s hard to breathe.

I’m so tired.

Even chewing can be a challenge.

I am surrounded, hemmed in by questions.

Every step I take, I bump into another one.

They swirl in my brain.

Why does this hurt so badly?

Even as I ask, I know the answer.

Because I loved you. Because I love you still.

I miss you.

Your face.

Your voice.

Your presence.

Your laugh.

Your smile.

Your touch.

Everything.

Yes, this hurts. It should.

And I wonder...

Why?

Why did this happen?

Why you?

Why me?

Why us?

Why this?

Why now?

Unanswerable questions perhaps,

but still my heart must ask.

I’m trying to make sense of things.

I’m searching for solid ground in the midst of what feels like a free fall.

I can’t imagine a world without you in it. And yet, here I am.

I feel so alone sometimes...

Where did everyone go?

They all said they were sorry for my loss. Some of them cried with me.

They promised they would be there for me.

At least, I took it as a promise.

One by one, they disappeared.

Maybe they didn’t want to see me,

feel my pain, or deal with my grief.

I know they don’t know what to say or do.

Why do they have to say or do anything?

Can’t they just be with me?

Losing you was bad enough. I feel like I’ve lost them too.

Where did they go?

I feel so alone sometimes.

But I know I’m not alone.

Others are suffering too.

The valley of mourning is well populated.

I don’t want to be in this valley,

but I’m thankful for those I’ve met here.

I can look into their eyes and see their pain.

I believe they see mine.

They too know grief.

I’m far from alone.

I’m so tired. My emotions are all over the place.

I feel crazy sometimes.

Am I crazy?

I’m sad. I’m frustrated and confused.

I’m lonely. I’m irritable, and sometimes angry.

At times I get depressed.

I guess that’s okay,

because not having you in my life is depressing.

I’ve been numb,

scared,

stunned,

and anxious.

I can’t think straight.

My heart has been hit.

No wonder my emotions are all over the place.

I’m not crazy, but my life right now is.

You’re not in it.

And I don’t know what to do with that.

Am I normal?

Am I sane?

I don’t know.

What’s normal for grief anyway?

I have a hole in my heart.

I should be feeling something - many things - deeply.

Will this get any easier?

I wonder how much of this I can stand.

How long will this take?

Is it always going to be this way?

I know I’ll always miss you. On some level, I think I’ll always grieve.

Perhaps memories that now bring sadness

will one day bring joy and laughter.

I trust the grief will change as I heal,

though I can’t imagine that now.

I’ll always have this hole in my heart.

It’s your always-place inside me.

I’ll never forget you.

I’ve heard the intensity of my pain will fade with time, becoming a sort of

ache - the longing to see you again.

I don’t know. I will wait and see if this is true.

I just know I miss you, and it hurts.

How can one put a time limit on love? How can I get over you?

Ridiculous.

I don’t want to get over you. I can’t. I love you.

I refuse to move on without you,

so I must find a way to move forward with you.

You will always be a part of me.

Always.

How long will this take?

I don’t know. No one does.

I know I want to continue loving you.

I want to remember you, talk about you, and honor you.

The grieving will take as long as it takes, in whatever form it takes.

Why is grief so lonely?

People say, “I know how you feel.”

No, they don’t. They didn’t lose you.

Our relationship was one-of-a-kind.

Many are grieving, but my grief is unique, because we were unique.

Grief is a lonely thing.

What’s next? How do I go on?

I don’t know.

So much has changed. Maybe everything.

I know I’ve changed. Grief has changed me.

I’m not the same without you. How could I be?

So who am I now?

In some ways, I don’t know. Is that okay?

It has to be okay.

It’s the way it is.

I’m missing you,

so how could I feel like me?

I’ll have to rediscover who I am.

Perhaps even reconstruct myself, or at least my life.

I don’t have a clue how to do that.

But that’s okay too,

because I don’t have to do that today.

This is all so new.

I’ve never been at this place in the road before.

I can’t see very far ahead.

All I can do is take baby steps.

Small, tiny steps.

I can only take one at a time,

when I have the strength.

I need to be nice to myself,

forgive myself,

and take care of myself.

You would want that.

Taking care of me is part of loving you.

I’ll learn to breathe again.

Breathe….

So here I am... missing you.

I hope I always do.

I know the emotions and the questions will

circle around again. And that’s okay too.

It’s part of loving you.

I’m not crazy. I’m not alone. And I’ll get through this somehow.

My love for you will carry me through.

I grieve, because I dared to love, and I’m so glad I did.

So I’ll learn to cherish this hole in my heart.

I love you.

 

Taken with permission from the ebook The Hole in my Heart written by Gary Roe - an author, a speaker, a hospice chaplain and grief specialist for Hospice Bravos Valley in Central Texas, USA. 

 

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